Category archives: Life Ramblings

Under The Big Top

This past weekend we took the family to the circus.  It has been years since I have attended and I have to admit, I might have even been more excited than my kids about the prospect of going.  I love it all: the animals, the trapeze, eating grape flavored slush out of a tiger’s skull. 

My favorite circus as a kid was the Circus of the Stars.  Remember that one?  They had everything from Vanilla Ice doing asinine motorcycle stunts to George Burns singing “Young at Heart.”  Today our has-been B-Listers are whirled around a dance floor.  Back in the day we swung them from a thirty foot wires and beams WITHOUT THE SAFETY OF A NET!  Eat that Lisa Rinna… oh, wait – you were on both.  *Teeheehee*

When I was a kid, running away and joining the circus was on the list of things I contemplated doing with my life, followed by being Shamu’s trainer, a truck driver and a water chemist.  For about three months I had dreams of becoming a professional clown.  (Some would say that I have succeeded and to those I give the invisi-bird.)  It occurred to me on Saturday just how creepy the circus really can be and that the people who do grow up and join the circus must be of a “special” breed.  (Perhaps the Insane Clown Posse really aren’t that far off.)  They put a clown in a box, shove some fiery steel stakes through it and call it “family entertainment.”  When they cut another clown in half and carted away his frantically flailing pieces, Will looked at me with wide eyes and exclaimed, “Well, that wasn’t nice at all!” 

While I enjoyed every minute of it, with this circus experience I realized just how much of an adult that I really am now.  Here is what I thought of the circus.

  1. The insurance premiums on this bunch must be through the roof!
  2. With that set of boobs, the circus must pay really well.
  3. I hope my daughter doesn’t get curious about the peculiar bulge in the front of that leotard.
  4. Geez.  I hope his mother wasn’t planning on having grandkids.
  5. I need to make sure the kids scrub their teeth tonight.
  6. PETA has to be going NUTS in the parking lot.
  7. Who on earth would pay $112 per ticket for this?  That’s a week’s worth of groceries per person!
  8. I’m glad that kid isn’t going home with me. 
  9. What kind of an idiot gets into a cage with 12 tigers?  Didn’t he learn anything from Roy Horn?
  10. We should not have brought Will.  He will try this at home. 
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Get Involved

I had grand ideas for several pointless blog topics lamenting over the cold weather and how much I hate Twitter, but in light of the recent earthquake in Haiti I can’t seem to allow myself to pen a bunch of frivolity.  In the span of several minutes over 100,000 people were crushed to death, hundreds of thousands more were injured and buried under rubble and debris.  Orphaned babies are sleeping in parking lots.  The hospitals are gone.  Prisons overturned.  My brain can’t quite grasp such tragedy.  I’ve been glued to CNN since Wednesday.

I often write about Compassion International, a children’s aid non-profit that is doing amazing work in third world countries around the globe.  Compassion aids 65,000 children in the country of Haiti alone.  Around 6,400 of those children are in the epicenter of the earthquake in Port-au-Prince.

If, like me, you are feeling hopeless in the middle of this disaster and want to get involved, please consider Compassion.  All funds raised in response to the Haiti earthquake will be used immediately to reequip Compassion’s local support structure and to provide for the immediate needs of Compassion-assisted children and families.

Whatever you do, please get involved somehow.  Sure, our country is in an economic crisis.  However, even the poorest of us in this great nation still have so much more in comparison.  Please give and even more importantly – please pray.

Read the Compassion Blog here: http://blog.compassion.com/tag/haiti/ 

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Really Cool Scars

One of the many superpowers given to mothers is the ability to decipher meanings of certain sounds from our children.  With the slightest peep we know whether to feed them, defend them, or yell in their general direction, “OMG, stop whining already!”

Unfortunately, today I heard the type of cry that makes a mother’s heart stop dead in her chest.  A bone chilling scream echoed from the bedroom and when I charged through the doorway the first thing to catch my eye was blood pouring from my little boy’s side.  Thankfully, the wound was not severe enough for stitches, but as I assured him earlier, “It’s gonna leave a really cool scar!”

On my right knee I carry a scar from a bicycle accident in the fourth grade. The skin was ripped open in three different sections and tiny bits of gravel and sand were jammed underneath the surface of my flesh.  The doctor gave me a cream – I don’t remember what it was, but I hope the FDA has outlawed it – that, I swear, melted the scabs off every time they tried to form.  It was like bathing in battery acid.  I also spent the next week at summer camp on crutches.  Twenty years later, when I look at the purplish discoloration just below my kneecap I don’t remember falling of the bike – I remember the battery acid and my bruised armpits from the crutches.

Isn’t that often the case with scars?  The healing process is usually more memorable than the initial injury.  It certainly takes longer and is generally more painful.

I consider the many scars I have that are unseen.  The deep gashes left in my heart, my soul and spirit from choices I’ve made in my life.  Bad decisions are easy.  They are usually quick and even, initially, painless.  It’s the recovery from them that is so bitterly agonizing.  You never forget the moment when you recognize the villain as the face in the mirror.  When you realize that you have failed, you have wounded those that you love, and that your own pain is caused by your own hand. 

My scars show themselves in my relationships, in my hesitations about my future, and certainly in my parenting.  However, I am learning to remind myself that they are just scars.  The pain is gone.  The wound is healed.  All has been forgiven.  They scars are not eternal penance for my sins, but simply a reminder to never turn back. 

I’ve also learned that the right decision is almost always the more difficult one to make.  It’s usually not the one that you think you want.  On the bright side though, the right decision doesn’t lead to daily doses of battery acid on wounds – and that, my friends, is worth avoiding at all cost.

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Predict This!

Yesterday at this time, Middle Tennessee was in a state of sheer panic over the threat of severe winter weather.  Nevermind that our meteorologists would be more accurate predicting the second coming of Christ.  Nevermind that this particular forecast was downgraded three times over the course of a week.  Nevermind that the only time we actually get hit with real snow is when they are calling for sunshine.  Gas prices skyrocketed, Kroger sold out of milk, and – thirteen hours before the first anticipated snowflake fell – 55 counties closed their schools. 

Currently, you can find me curled up in the recliner with a cup of coffee, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and my laptop staring at a snow free landscape out of the front window of my home.  There is no snow; not one flake on the ground.   While, for the sake of my kids I am mildly disappointed, I am not complaining.  It’s noon and I’m still in my pajamas. 

I do find the pandemonium of Nashville yesterday pretty humorous given the outcome of our Winter Weather Watch.  It leaves me considering how often we allow ourselves to go into a tailspin over a maybe.  We convince ourselves that possible scenarios are imminent based on our hopes or fears rather than fact.  How many times do we make decisions, sometimes life-altering ones, based on uncertainty before we have given the clouds a chance to turn and miss us completely?

There are medical maybes.

There are financial maybes.

There are relationship maybes.

Are you making choices based on fact or changing circumstance?

Maybe it all goes back to the old saying, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”  I’m sure the county school board is feeling that one today.  The skies still might open up and pour down white fluff from above, but I doubt it.  After all, my daughter forgot to wear her pjs inside out and flush an ice cube down the toilet.

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End of The World Resolutions

The Bible told us.  Nostradamus told us.  The Mayans told us.  John Cusack told us.  The end of the world is coming.  We’re all going to die.  

It’s Armageddon Week on The History Channel and I’ve been glued to the tube for four hours now contemplating the tragic and violent end of life here on Earth.  Is our great planet going to be sucked into the black hole that is looming in the center of The Milky Way?  Will our bodies rot from the inside out with plague and disease?  Will we blow each other to kingdom come through warfare and genocide? 

Y2K and June 6th, 2006 have come and gone and we’re still circling around the sun, so 2012 has become the new “In” date for the apocalypse.   And since Obama is certainly the Antichrist, the days of life as we know it must be drawing to close.  Buckle up folks; the four horsemen are on their way… and I don’t mean Jose, Jack, Jim and Johnny Walker. 

All joking aside, what if 2012 is the end of the world?  Hell, what if Friday is the end of the world?  What will you have left undone? Unsaid? Unfinished?  Will you have loved those you love well?  Will you have lived the one life you have the way you dreamed you would?

What are you waiting for?

I haven’t yet made any resolutions for this year aside from the staples “Lose five pounds” and “Get something published.”  So, I think I will resolve to live 2010 like 2012 is the end of the world.  You know… Just in case.

“No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”- Matthew 24:36

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Call the Exorcist – Happy Halloween!

pumpkin“Mom, are ghosts real?” my six year old daughter asked me two nights ago as I helped her change into her pajamas.

“No honey; you have nothing to worry about,” I sort of lied. I do believe that spirits roam this earth – call me crazy if you wish – but I didn’t want to divulge this belief to an incomprehensible kindergartner just before bed time.

Why do I believe in spirits? Because I’ve seen them at work. Here’s a true and truly spooky story for you. Happy Halloween!

When I was eighteen I spent nine months in a Christ-centered drug rehabilitation center in Nashville. Just before I was ready to graduate from the program a new woman was admitted into the home under what we were told were “emergency circumstances”. My roommate had recently left the program and after some verbal preparation from the staff members, the new girl, whom I will refer to as “Reagan” from the Exorcist, was given the spare bed in my room.

Reagan was thirty two years old, much older than all of the other girls in the home. She was tall and slender with skin reminiscent of rice paper and fiery red hair that needed a generous dose of conditioner and good brush. From the first glimpse I caught of her, her crystal blue eyes were wide with terror as if she were stuck in the climax scene from a Wes Craven horror flick. Her left leg was secured in a walking cast and her hands were rigid and clenched in a way that I was sure her nails drew blood from her palms.

“I threw myself down some stairs,” she whispered to me, nodding to her broken leg as we sat on our opposing beds the first night of her stay.

“Really?” I asked watching her clasp a hand around her elbow and rock slightly.

“I was supposed to break my neck,” she added. “I was supposed to break my neck.”

Despite my apprehension, when it was time for lights out, I fell asleep peacefully knowing securely in my faith that no harm could come to me. Around two a.m. I was awakened by a strange sound. I sat up in my bed and by the moonlight I could see that Reagan’s bed was empty. A quiet tearing noise was coming from somewhere unseen in the dimly lit room. I rose up out of bed and slowly padded across the room toward the sound. In the corner between her bed and the wall, Reagan was curled into the fetal position not facing me. The tearing noise was coming from her ripping her red hair out with her hands.

Reagan spent the next day with a team of counselors and psychologists. As we prepared for a second night in our shared room, she confided in me that before “everything started happening” she was some kind of social worker with juvenile sex offenders. I can only imagine what kind of evil she had been exposed to.

Once again, I fell asleep easily only to be awakened in the early hours of the morning. Through the darkness I saw Reagan walking toward the door to the hallway. “Where are you going?” I asked startling her.

She whirled around in her white flowing nightgown (which was eerie all by itself). “What did he say to you?!” she screamed at me. “He’s here! He’s here!”

Oh. My. God.

reagan

At this point I started quoting every freaking Bible verse I could think of. She was hysterical and shaking uncontrollably. Thankfully, the night staff was right next door to us since Reagan was positioned between me and the door. They rushed and in and took her out of my room.

The next day Reagan left in the back of a patrol car. She was too much of a threat to herself and to the rest of the residents to stay in the house. I imagine that she was properly escorted to a padded room somewhere and rightfully so. I don’t know whatever became of her.

Looking in her eyes, I knew that what I was seeing was NOT schizophrenia in action – it was someone very evil staring back at me. It made me wonder how many people locked away on psych floors will never been fixed by modern medicine.

Now I’m going to have to try and go to sleep.

Do you have a spooky story that has happened to you???

Happy Halloween friends!

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More Than Meets The Eye

By trade I am a web designer and no, I don’t want to build your website.  While it is good money and I don’t suck at it, I really hate doing it.  Crap like this is boring, frustrating, and gives me a brain cramp. 

<style type=”text/css”>
 .addtoany_share_save_container{margin:16px 0;}
 ul.addtoany_list{
  display:inline;
  list-style-type:none;
  margin:0 !important;
  padding:0 !important;
  text-indent:0 !important;
 }
 ul.addtoany_list li{
  background:none !important;
  border:0;
  display:inline !important;
  line-height:32px;  list-style-type:none;
  margin:0 !important;
  padding:0 !important;

While it is a profession that I despise, I must admit that it is quite interesting.  It never ceases to amaze me how gargoobled letters, symbols and numbers can produces something as beautiful as this: 

OK, maybe it’s the beach that makes it so beautiful…. *sigh*

 

In reality, my eyes know that this beautiful beach is nothing more than the mess of characters in the source code above.  Isn’t this though, the reality of life?  I know that I can present a pretty glossy exterior when MOST of the time, I’m a MESS just below the surface.  I’m a tangled weave of gargoobled intellect, fears and emotions.

So are these women…

women

It’s too bad you can’t read someone’s source code to find out what they are really about before you allow them into your world.  I’m often too trusting of a person and allow the wrong people to get inside my secure little realm of existence.  I tend to believe that everyone is truly good and kind at the core of who they are and everyday that happy little fantasy is shattered more and more.  It’s a sad realization that there are some people who, if given the option of a “Make Your Life Wonderful” button  and a “Make Your Life Miserable” button they will choose to make you miserable every single time.

 BUTTONS

What kind of friend are you?  Which button do you choose to push?

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This Blog Is Better Than Yours

After months of making fun of my sister and other relatives for playing Farm Town on Facebook, I signed up and started farming.  Not only did this cost me the exclusive rights to my Badass Card, it gained me a place at the head of a shameful dining table.  “CROW: It’s what’s for dinner.” 

Farm Town has taught me something surprising about myself.  Which brings me to the point of this blog… 

I think I might be a little too competitive.

Wholeheartedly I believe that a (somewhat) competitive spirit is a healthy thing.  However, I have decided that you cross the line from “healthy” into “whack-job” when you find yourself losing sleep and neglecting your children over harvesting, plowing and planting virtual crops.  Tonight, I realize that I am most certainly in the realm of “whack-job.”  I am fiercely competing in a race that has no finish line as there is no end of Farm Town.  There are no prizes, blue ribbons or “Green Wizard” crowns to be gained to show off my gardening glory.  The only satisfaction I’ve gained is the knowledge that I surpassed my sister in experience levels in a millifraction of the time that she’s been playing the game.  This only goes to prove what a LOSER I really am.  Do you see the irony? It’s really too bad that I can’t feed my kids with all these crops… they’re starting to look a little thin. 

farm

eL. The Deranged Competitor does exist outside of Farm Town. Four days a week I swim a mile and a half at the YMCA pool.  Not only do I have to beat my own time from the day before, God forbid there be anyone else in the water.  On Friday I caught myself racing a 73 year old hip replacement patient who was WATER WALKING in the shallow end.  I stopped mid-stroke and nearly drowned laughing at myself when I realized I was checking his position in my peripheral vision.  You just never he know, he might take off and sprint to the wall!

My children are starting to figure out something is wrong with their mom.  My daughter made the mistake of telling me that a few of the kids in her class play a game to see who’s mom will show up in the car rider line first.  Guess who’s won every day since?  This week, my son groaned from his car seat.  “Mom, when is Canaan coming out?  We’ve been here forever.”  We were 45 minutes early.

Like I said, I do believe that competition is healthy.  It gives us drive and ambition to be better than ourselves… as well as all the losers around us.  (See, I told you I have a problem.)  It could be that the lack of competition is the cause of our society’s sick sense of entitlement.  I’ve done a lot of ranting and raving about that lately.  There are too many people in this country that don’t have a drive to do anything except to collect a welfare check and hide from collection agencies. 

Now… if I can only find a way to make real money harvesting in Farm Town.  Maybe I should give farming a chance in the real world?  Wonder what kind of price I can get at the market for dandelions and thistles.

“I don’t know anything that builds the will to win better than competitive sports.” – Richard Nixon
… and Richard Nixon knows about competition, right?

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The Telepathy Test

sstackMaybe it started with Sookie Stackhouse.  Maybe it started with Matt Parkman.  Maybe it started with Tami Marshall in the third grade who claimed she was a mind reader.  I’m not really sure.

I freak out because I think people can read my mind.

Are my thoughts really THAT bad?  You bet they are! Ha!  While I’m not contemplating cooking babies in microwaves or blowing up nursing homes with explosives made from baby whale blubber, my mind is no place for the easily offended or naïve.  I often wonder what people would really think of me if they knew the tangled mess of a woman below the presentable exterior. 

I’ve laughed out loud at myself more than once in the past few weeks as I’ve had panic induced inner conversations that went something like this:  “She really should think about joining the gym.  At this rate her thighs aren’t going to fit in the driver’s seat of that pretentious SUV and her husband is going to start sleeping with his secretary by Christmas.  Oh god, I can’t believe I just thought that to myself.  I hope she didn’t hear me think that.  That’s stupid; of course she didn’t hear me think that.  But what if she did?  Is she looking at me weird?  You’re a big fat cow lady!  No reaction.  She’s not a mind reader. Whew, that was close.”

This week I caught myself testing people to check for telepathy.  Dad is not a telepathic.  He didn’t elbow me one time for thinking the f-word during church.  (I told you I’m a bad person!  LOL)  Canaan is not a telepathic.  Her room is still a mess and the Playdoh is still all over the living room table.  My boyfriend might be a mind reader… the jury is still out on him.  Whenever I mentally tell him to look at me, he already is – I know… “Awww.”

And then there is Will.  I’m pretty certain that my son has selective telepathy that matches his selective hearing.  Right now I’m mentally willing him to get off the back of the couch and put his cape (a.k.a. my black Vegas dress) back in my closet.  He’s ignoring me.  However, this morning over breakfast I asked him (with my mind), “Will, if you can hear me, tell Mommy you love her.”  He furrowed his brow and verbally replied, “Quit looking at me like that.  You’re cweeping me out… I love you.”

I couldn’t make this stuff up.  You’re going to laugh when you catch yourself giving Will the telepathy test. 

Don’t worry; your thoughts are safe around me.  Are you telepathic?  I need to know.  NOW.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Phil. 4:8

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You Think Death is Entertainment?

I apologize that my blood has been set on boil this week.  I’m aware that this is the second rant I’ve posted in two days, but the condition of our society – maybe even the human race in general – is growing increasingly appalling.

This morning on our ride to school I heard the story of the Halloween Haunt attraction at King’s Island.  If you’re out of the loop, as I usually am, the park is using celebrity deaths as part of their Halloween theme this year.  For example, the scenes depicted are that of Steve McNair’s murder/suicide, Michael Jackson’s overdose, Heath Ledger surrounded by pill bottles and Sonny Bonny on skis slammed into a tree.

mcnair  farrah

What is wrong with the world today that such incredible tragedies are being viewed as entertainment?  Are we so desensitized here in America that this is acceptable?

I heard a defense today that “everyone deals with death in their own way… some deal with it by using humor.”  Sure, that is absolutely true, but we’re not talking about using humor to cope with the tragedy of death.  We are talking about an amusement park using the loss of life as a gimmick to make a dime.  Do they really have no decency???

Why stop here?

I have an idea!  Let’s dress up some skeletons and have them jumping off of the ledges of the Twin Towers and chuckle over 911!  Let’s chop up a skeleton and dangle it out of a car’s trunk and call it Caylee Marie Anthony!  Maybe even put a skeleton in the cargo compartment of a minivan that has a tree through the windshield and laugh over the death of my children’s daddy… that’d sell a lot of tickets!

King’s Island will never see a penny out of my pocketbook even though I received this response in reply to the hateful letter I sent them this morning:

Dear eL.,

We at Kings Island value your feedback.  Kings Island has removed the celebrity scene from its Halloween Haunt event.  We were not intending to be distasteful, and we apologize if we offended anyone. 

Sincerely,
Don Helbig
Public Relations Area Manager
Kings Island

As my friend Ginger so elloquently put it today… “Get a damn heart again, people.”

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