The Mom Diary – Impacting Journey

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Your Crazy Mom

02Feb10

There is a time and season for everything. While this is not the end of the Impacting Journey season, it is the beginning of something new. After days of confinement with 2 young children having almost no adult interaction, I have started a new blog called, Your Crazy Mom. Appropriate don’t you think? Seeing as how I have been teetering on the edge of sanity all week.

Anyhow, this new blog isn’t just for moms – but it will talk a lot about being one. It’s a place for real moms who don’t always have it all together – or more frankly, moms who are just really lost sometimes, hoping like hell to not screw up their kids.

I hope you will stop by, have a laugh and bring your friends. It’s us against them… moms have to stick together.

www.yourcrazymom.com

Filed under The Mom Diary| Tagged being a mom, crazy, mom stories, parenting blog | 1 Comment

Really Cool Scars

09Jan10

One of the many superpowers given to mothers is the ability to decipher meanings of certain sounds from our children. With the slightest peep we know whether to feed them, defend them, or yell in their general direction, “OMG, stop whining already!”

Unfortunately, today I heard the type of cry that makes a mother’s heart stop dead in her chest. A bone chilling scream echoed from the bedroom and when I charged through the doorway the first thing to catch my eye was blood pouring from my little boy’s side. Thankfully, the wound was not severe enough for stitches, but as I assured him earlier, “It’s gonna leave a really cool scar!”

On my right knee I carry a scar from a bicycle accident in the fourth grade. The skin was ripped open in three different sections and tiny bits of gravel and sand were jammed underneath the surface of my flesh. The doctor gave me a cream – I don’t remember what it was, but I hope the FDA has outlawed it – that, I swear, melted the scabs off every time they tried to form. It was like bathing in battery acid. I also spent the next week at summer camp on crutches. Twenty years later, when I look at the purplish discoloration just below my kneecap I don’t remember falling of the bike – I remember the battery acid and my bruised armpits from the crutches.

Isn’t that often the case with scars? The healing process is usually more memorable than the initial injury. It certainly takes longer and is generally more painful.

I consider the many scars I have that are unseen. The deep gashes left in my heart, my soul and spirit from choices I’ve made in my life. Bad decisions are easy. They are usually quick and even, initially, painless. It’s the recovery from them that is so bitterly agonizing. You never forget the moment when you recognize the villain as the face in the mirror. When you realize that you have failed, you have wounded those that you love, and that your own pain is caused by your own hand.

My scars show themselves in my relationships, in my hesitations about my future, and certainly in my parenting. However, I am learning to remind myself that they are just scars. The pain is gone. The wound is healed. All has been forgiven. They scars are not eternal penance for my sins, but simply a reminder to never turn back.

I’ve also learned that the right decision is almost always the more difficult one to make. It’s usually not the one that you think you want. On the bright side though, the right decision doesn’t lead to daily doses of battery acid on wounds – and that, my friends, is worth avoiding at all cost.

Filed under Life Ramblings, Ragamuffin Corner, The Mom Diary| Tagged forgiveness, healing, injury, life, moving on, pain, really cool scar, scar, scar tissue, sin | 8 Comments

The Telepathy Test

14Oct09

sstack Maybe it started with Sookie Stackhouse. Maybe it started with Matt Parkman. Maybe it started with Tami Marshall in the third grade who claimed she was a mind reader. I’m not really sure.

I freak out because I think people can read my mind.

Are my thoughts really THAT bad? You bet they are! Ha! While I’m not contemplating cooking babies in microwaves or blowing up nursing homes with explosives made from baby whale blubber, my mind is no place for the easily offended or naïve. I often wonder what people would really think of me if they knew the tangled mess of a woman below the presentable exterior.

I’ve laughed out loud at myself more than once in the past few weeks as I’ve had panic induced inner conversations that went something like this: “She really should think about joining the gym. At this rate her thighs aren’t going to fit in the driver’s seat of that pretentious SUV and her husband is going to start sleeping with his secretary by Christmas. Oh god, I can’t believe I just thought that to myself. I hope she didn’t hear me think that. That’s stupid; of course she didn’t hear me think that. But what if she did? Is she looking at me weird? You’re a big fat cow lady! No reaction. She’s not a mind reader. Whew, that was close.”

This week I caught myself testing people to check for telepathy. Dad is not a telepathic. He didn’t elbow me one time for thinking the f-word during church. (I told you I’m a bad person! LOL) Canaan is not a telepathic. Her room is still a mess and the Playdoh is still all over the living room table. My boyfriend might be a mind reader… the jury is still out on him. Whenever I mentally tell him to look at me, he already is – I know… “Awww.”

And then there is Will. I’m pretty certain that my son has selective telepathy that matches his selective hearing. Right now I’m mentally willing him to get off the back of the couch and put his cape (a.k.a. my black Vegas dress) back in my closet. He’s ignoring me. However, this morning over breakfast I asked him (with my mind), “Will, if you can hear me, tell Mommy you love her.” He furrowed his brow and verbally replied, “Quit looking at me like that. You’re cweeping me out… I love you.”

I couldn’t make this stuff up. You’re going to laugh when you catch yourself giving Will the telepathy test.

Don’t worry; your thoughts are safe around me. Are you telepathic? I need to know. NOW.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Phil. 4:8

Filed under Life Ramblings, The Mom Diary| Tagged mind reader, negative thoughts, phil 4:8, read minds, sookie stackhouse, telepathic, telepathy, thought life, thoughts, true blood | 4 Comments

Taylor Swift has a Potty Mouth

14Sep09

TAYLOR Last week, while playing with her neighborhood best friend, my daughter marched up to me with her hands on her hips and a frown on her face. “Mom, Izzy is four and I’m six and she has her own CD player and a TV in her room.”

Without missing a beat, I answered, “Well, I guess her mom loves her more.”
Thankfully, my daughter understands sarcasm.

I climbed up in the attic and retrieved the CD player that I kept in my office and hooked it up in her bedroom. You would’ve thought I’d just told her we were moving to Disneyland. She was so excited and I was proud that my daughter loves music as much as I do.

Now, my heart beats to the bass line of anything that rocks but since my children have learned to talk and repeat things, I find myself toning down the amount of rock-and-roll we headbang to for fear of the f-bomb being dropped at the Thanksgiving table. Since we live in the country music capital of the world, I reluctantly opt for Brad Paisley over Pantera when the kids are in tow. Country music is generally safer for impressionable ears… or so I thought.

For my daughter’s new CD I player, I downloaded and burned a Taylor Swift CD. DID YOU KNOW TAYLOR SWIFT HAS A RADIO-EDIT VERSION???? I know NOW after listening to my five year old singing “I laugh cause it’s so damn funny.” Really Taylor? Do you not fit in with the cool kids without dropping a ‘bad word’?

I don’t have a problem with profanity, but I’m certainly not going to encourage my children to use it. Maybe we’ll go back to listening to Metallica in the car on the way to school. At least then I’m more prepared to turn down the volume when James Hetfield throws out an explicative.

JAMES

Other lyrics you don’t want to hear your children sing… not that I have (today) or anything… *ahem*

“God is great, beer is good. People are crazy.”
“If you’re going through hell, keep on going!”
“And a little bit of chicken friend… a cold beer on a Friday night!”
“I’ve got my toes in the water, ass in the sand. Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand.” – the audio clip that followed after this was , “Will, Mama doesn’t like it when you say ‘ass’!”

MOMAWARD

Filed under Life Ramblings, The Mom Diary| Tagged censorship, funny things kids say, james hetfield, kids, metallica, profanity, song lyrics, taylor swift | 8 Comments

Arrival at Grown-Upville

02Sep09

We are well into my daughter’s third week of elementary school and I would like to report that we have not been late one time! So, all of you suckers who were betting against me, cough it up – YOU LOSE.

I will admit that thanks to her grandparents, my kindergartner does have her own alarm clock. By the time I roll my butt out of bed and stumble blindly to the coffee pot, she is dressed, her teeth are brushed and she has made her own breakfast. However, that is not the point here.

The point is that I have “arrived” at adulthood. The days of existing as a screw-up kid cleverly disguised as a 28 year old responsible mother of 2 are over. I am finally a bonafide grown up.

I joined the PTO.

For the cool kids out there that have no idea what the PTO is, let me bring you up to speed. PTO stands for Parent/Teacher Organization. In a nutshell, I – the mom who taught her preschoolers the art of headbanging – will be hosting bake sales, chaperoning field trips, and cutting out Christmas snowflake decorations this school year.

And if you make fun of me, I promise to punch you in the mouth, knit you a doily, and sop up your blood with it.

Coming to a bumper near you…

Filed under Life Ramblings, The Mom Diary| Tagged adulthood, alarm clock, bumper stickers, elementary school, growing up, kindergarten, my kids can beat up your honor student, parent teacher organization, pto, raising kids, school | 12 Comments

The Devil Teaches Kindergarten

13Aug09

Today my daughter took her kindergarten assessment test. Forgive me while I switch into Proud-Mama-Mode and brag for a moment. The average score for this test is 90. My daughter scored 112. I am well on my way to having a “My kid is smarter than your kid” bumper sticker on my car.

My mind drifts back to when I started kindergarten. I remember that day very well. I wore blue shorts and a blue and white striped shirt with new white Keds. I had a brand new Barbie backpack. My hair was in the same cut that my daughter’s is in. I was determined to ride the school bus so Mom met me at the school and I bought cafeteria food for lunch. To say that I was excited was a drastic understatement. One would’ve thought that my elementary school was actually located inside Cinderella’s Castle at Disneyworld and not across from a cow pasture in Nowhereville, NC. Life was just beginning and I was eager to jump on the education train and take off!

Enter Kindergarten teacher FROM HELL.

I won’t call names here, even though I REALLY want to, but my kindergarten teacher was 3 shades of evil. Rather than studying at a university, I’m convinced that this woman received her degree from an Al-Queda torture center. She hated me. I do not exaggerate. From the first day of school she HATED me. Granted, I was a colorful child. I liked to talk, giggle and oddly enough, I even quacked like a duck for the first three months of school… but that is no reason to receive the treatment I did that year.

Every day I was in trouble for something, whether I was guilty or not. I never received special treats like the other kids and frequently sat in time-out during recess. I always had to sleep in the dreaded spot by her desk at naptime and I NEVER got to be the Wake-Up Fairy. She would scream at me until her face turned red and I started to cry. My mother, who worked at the school, was continually in my classroom defending me from the horrid teacher. My whole family remembers that year.

I believe that things that happen to us as children directly mold and shape the adults that we become. While I do not blame any of the bad choices I made on anyone, I can’t help but wonder how my life might have been altered had I not had her as a teacher. If I hadn’t been mislabeled as such a “bad kid” at such a formative age, would I have had more respect for myself and made better decisions when I got older? Maybe. We’ll never know.

Two weeks ago, while at out with friends in my hometown, we saw this woman. After telling the details over dinner, they all agreed that she even looked evil. Of course, the teacher didn’t regard my presence and wouldn’t remember me if her life depended on it. All the while, my blood boiled over at the simple sight of her. She still teaches kindergarten.

Canaan’s first day of school is next week. She is wearing blue shorts and a blue and white striped shirt. She picked out a brand new Barbie backpack. The similarities are coincidental and CREEPY. I won’t allow her kindergarten resemblance to go any further than that – I will be driving her to school and packing her lunch. Also… do you know a good bouncer for hire?

Photo courtesy of Vickie Riley Photography

Filed under Life Ramblings, The Mom Diary| Tagged back to school, bad teachers, evil teacher, first day of school, forming children, kindergarten, parenting, school, teachers | 11 Comments

Pee-Pee Paranoia

06Aug09

will3 Nothing in this world is more frightening than the possibility that there is something wrong with your child. Fortunately, other than ear infections that would level grown men, my kids have always been perfectly healthy. Next week my son has an appointment at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital to see a specialist about his eyes. For the first time I am faced with the possibility of our perfect health track record being tarnished.

For the past few months Will’s left eye has been wandering and turning inward. The doctors assure me there is nothing to worry about, that it will most likely be corrected by patching one eye to strengthen the other. However, a mama can’t help but freak out just a little.

Say a prayer for my kid if you think of it.

In the meantime, Will has medical worries of his own. Lately, he has become overly obsessed with his penis, clutching it like a security blanket at home, at the grocery store, at church…

Like all boys, Will is particularly fond of his manhood. I remember well the day he first discovered it. He marched down the hallway into the living room wearing nothing but a pair of green frog rain boots and his Davy Crocket coon-skin hat. He thrust his pelvis forward, pointing downward and announced, “Hey Mom! Check out my pee-pee!” It was a proud moment.

Since that day, he has developed some type of pee-pee paranoia. As a result, I am developing a case of pee-pee humiliation.

Last week, Canaan was “helping” me prepare supper and Will was marching in the kitchen. As usual, his hand was firmly clasped over his crotch.

“Will, do you need to go potty?” I asked looking up from the casserole before me.

He froze with his free hand out in front of him, glancing suspiciously around the room like some sort of spy. “No,” he answered is raspy whisper.

“Then stop holding your pee-pee,” I said.

“I have to protect it,” he said still in spy-stance. “There’s a bee in the house.”

Filed under The Mom Diary| Tagged boys, Davy Crocket hat, funny things kids say, holding crotch, kids, potty, preschoolers, raising boys | 17 Comments

To Spank or Not to Spank

22Jul09

In the paper this week was an article entitled “Southern Parents Spank Their Kids.” Really? THIS is news? Obviously these people haven’t been hanging around my house lately or this would never have made the front page of the paper. This is like a page four story around here. I am a firm believer in spanking. My kids RARELY EVER receive a spanking, but when they do it only has to happen once.

Tonight at the gym my Cirque Du Soliel-wannabe three year old decided to hide in a locker from his sister. He wanted to hide in the TOP locker about four feet off the ground. The conversation went something like this:

“Will, stop climbing on the lockers.” … “Will, get down right now.” … “WILL! How many times is Mommy supposed to ask you to do something?” … “Will, what happens when you disobey Mommy?”

He paused and looked back at me. “I get a spanking.” Like lightening, he was out of the locker and back on the floor.

A child in the dressing stall behind me gasped. Yeah, his mom was part of the 62% of Southerners too. That kid knew what a mommy-spanking meant.

Here’s my spanking disclaimer before someone gets their panties in a wad: Spankings and abuse should clearly be two different things. If that line ever gets fuzzy between an adult and a child then someone should intervene. Spankings should be rare and reserved for serious BEHAVIORAL offenses and never for accidents.

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On a lighter note… what about those moments when your children make it impossible to parent them? Here are a few real-life-of-eL. examples for your enjoyment.

I have the hardest time getting my son to eat at dinnertime. Bribery, threats, hours at the dinner table… nothing works. A few weeks ago I fixed spaghetti – a kid staple, right? The conversation with my son was the same. “Will, you may not get up from the table until you finish your dinner. If you don’t finish your dinner then you will have to go to bed.”

Forty five minutes later, I was folding laundry in the bedroom when my son entered the room. (Remember… HE’S THREE.) “Mom, I would rather go to bed AND have a spanking than have to eat my dinner.” I was dumbfounded. It was all I could do to not fall on the floor and laugh.

“Son, it’s spaghetti!”

He clamped his hand over his mouth. “I not wanna eat it.”

I dropped my head and pointed down the hall. “Go to bed.” By the time I caught up with him, he was in his bed with the light off and his blanket pulled over his head. Maybe I should take a cooking class?

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At our gym is a 50 gallon fish tank that my children are both fascinated with. Will can’t sit still to watch the fireworks show over the Magic Kingdom, but at that fish tank he will sit and stare for hours if I let him! Yesterday, while waiting for my Yoga class to begin, I let Will visit with the fish. He kept slapping his hands against the tank and yelling at the fish. “Will, stop doing that,” I told him.

“Why Mom?” he asked.

“Because you’ll scare the fish. Do you want to scare the fish?” I asked.

He pondered this for a moment and then looked up brightly. “Yes!”

Do you believe in spanking?

Do I not have the funniest kid on the planet???

Filed under Life Ramblings, The Mom Diary| Tagged corporal punishment, discipline, kids, parenting, spanking | 13 Comments

Biting Your Toenails

10Jul09

will Isn’t life supposed to calm down after you retire? I am now in week two of my “retirement” and if anything, I seem to have less time than when I was logging forty hours a week in my office. How is that possible? In the past fourteen days I have visited five states, caught up with umpteen family members, read a book, slacked off at the gym, watched about twenty movies, WORKED, and maintained a sparkling clean home. OK… the last part is a bit of stretch, but at the moment it is sparkling clean!

I always used to think I’d go crazy being bored at home as a full time mom. I realize now what a vacation my JOB really was! I take my fictitious hat off to all you stay at home parents out there. You certainly don’t get enough credit.

I have enjoyed the constant company of my kids far more than I could’ve ever imagined. You really should just be jealous because I simply have the funniest, cutest and smartest children ever conceived. They teach me so much about life and about the person I want to be. The lessons learned through the experience of children are absolutely priceless. There is no university that compares with parenthood.

Patience is a CHOICE. It is far easier to laugh and get over it, than it is to get upset.

No one snuggles better than a three year old.

If you want to know honestly how you are doing life, ask a preschooler their opinion of you.

You know to pass up your Food Network dream when your kid opts for a spanking and early bedtime rather than eat.

You should always keep your toenails short, even if it means biting them. You might trip over them if you don’t.

I’m sure there will be many more lessons to come… stay tuned. This could get interesting.

Filed under Life Ramblings, The Mom Diary| Tagged biting toenails, funny things kids say, kids, moms, parenting, single mom | No Comments

Shhhhhhhhhhht!

15Jun09

The older I get, the more I realize that I am quickly turning into my mother. While once upon a time I would’ve NEVER admitted this in writing or even thought it possible, today not only do I recognize it, I’m actually very proud of it. My mother loved and parented me well. I did not make her task easy (I know you’re shocked), but she played the hand she was dealt with grace and excellence. Today, we are close friends, seasoned with years of celebrations, heartaches, and challenges. I am proud to be her daughter, her baby, and her favorite child. (Yes, my siblings read my blog.)

We often parent our children in the manner in which we were parented. I almost fell in the floor the first time I heard myself say to my daughter, “Canaan, I know you didn’t mean to. You have to mean NOT to.” It was like all of the oxygen was sucked out of the room. Canaan panicked at my horror-stricken face after the words rolled off my tongue. I grasped at the hole in my chest where my heart had once been and choked out an explanation, “I’m sorry baby; I just channeled your Nana.”

This weekend while staying with my parents another ‘mom-ism’ escaped my lips. While chatting with a friend on Facebook, the internet connection blinked out for the fifteenth time during the conversation. I slammed my fist down onto the counter in frustration and shouted, “This cussed internet!”

A light bulb went off. (Apparently it visibly went off over my head because both my mom and my sister looked up at me.)

I brought my finger down over my lips as I pondered what I’d just said. “People in real life don’t use that expression. No one says ‘cussed’,” I thought out loud.

Mom began to laugh. “That’s what you say when you’re trying not to say a cuss word.”

Oh… bless my sweet Southern Baptist Mama’s heart.

I’m not sure what it is that is so funny about the combination of my mother and profanity. Maybe it was because it was always such a big deal in our family to keep our language clean and proper. Whenever she was REALLY frustrated about something she would hiss, “Shhhhhhhhht.” I didn’t realize until I was twenty that this was simply “shit” omitting the letter I. I laughed hysterically all alone in my apartment the day this occurred to me.

Why do I write this tonight? My three year old son has a blister on his foot and when the bath water stung it earlier, he shouted, “Shoot-Fuzzies that hurt!”

Thanks Mom for three generations of sounding stupid.

In our old age, Mom has graciously allowed herself to be the punch line of many family gathering jokes and has always a good sport about it.

Filed under The Mom Diary| Tagged becoming my mother, curse words, kids, mothers, profanity, southern baptist | 2 Comments

Impacting Journey