My mind drifts back to when I started kindergarten.  I remember that day very well.  I wore blue shorts and a blue and white striped shirt with new white Keds.  I had a brand new Barbie backpack.  My hair was in the same cut that my daughter’s is in.  I was determined to ride the school bus so Mom met me at the school and I bought cafeteria food for lunch.  To say that I was excited was a drastic understatement.  One would’ve thought that my elementary school was actually located inside Cinderella’s Castle at Disneyworld and not across from a cow pasture in Nowhereville, NC.  Life was just beginning and I was eager to jump on the education train and take off!

Enter Kindergarten teacher FROM HELL.

I won’t call names here, even though I REALLY want to, but my kindergarten teacher was 3 shades of evil.  Rather than studying at a university, I’m convinced that this woman received her degree from an Al-Queda torture center.  She hated me.  I do not exaggerate.  From the first day of school she HATED me.  Granted, I was a colorful child.  I liked to talk, giggle and oddly enough, I even quacked like a duck for the first three months of school… but that is no reason to receive the treatment I did that year. 

Every day I was in trouble for something, whether I was guilty or not.  I never received special treats like the other kids and frequently sat in time-out during recess.  I always had to sleep in the dreaded spot by her desk at naptime and I NEVER got to be the Wake-Up Fairy.  She would scream at me until her face turned red and I started to cry.  My mother, who worked at the school, was continually in my classroom defending me from the horrid teacher.  My whole family remembers that year.

I believe that things that happen to us as children directly mold and shape the adults that we become.  While I do not blame any of the bad choices I made on anyone, I can’t help but wonder how my life might have been altered had I not had her as a teacher.  If I hadn’t been mislabeled as such a “bad kid” at such a formative age, would I have had more respect for myself and made better decisions when I got older?  Maybe.  We’ll never know. 

Two weeks ago, while at out with friends in my hometown, we saw this woman.  After telling the details over dinner, they all agreed that she even looked evil.  Of course, the teacher didn’t regard my presence and wouldn’t remember me if her life depended on it.  All the while, my blood boiled over at the simple sight of her.  She still teaches kindergarten.

Canaan’s first day of school is next week.  She is wearing blue shorts and a blue and white striped shirt.  She picked out a brand new Barbie backpack.  The similarities are coincidental and CREEPY.  I won’t allow her kindergarten resemblance to go any further than that – I will be driving her to school and packing her lunch.  Also… do you know a good bouncer for hire?

Photo courtesy of Vickie Riley Photography

It has been 10 years since I have darkened the door of a classroom so I am required by the great university system of Tennessee to take a placement exam. They gave me a practice test today which I snubbed my nose at. How hard can it be?

School always came easily for me. My last two years of high school are a hazy blur. I dropped out halfway through my senior year and took the SAT’s stoned out of my gourd. Still, I managed to graduate with North Carolina State honors and a 3 point something GPA. I assumed that finally going back to school was going to be as easy as it used to be.

Huh huh huh… I opened the practice test.

Algebra, Geometry, Trig and Calculus… OMG.

Actual problem on this test:

You can’t even Google that. Believe me, I tried.

I spent two hours ATTEMPTING the math portion. Don’t ask how I scored. At least I aced the English part in ten minutes flat.

When I finally gave up for the night, I texted my buddy Chuck. “I need a drink and a Math for Dunbasses book.”

Chuck’s response was, “and a Spelling for Dunbasses book” along with a picture of the beer in his hand. I gave him the “invisi-bird”.

Wish me luck folks! I’m sure I’ll be in college prep math for the next three years, but at least I’m heading in the right direction. I wish someone would explain to me, because apparently I’M STUPID, why on earth do I need trigonometry with an English/Lit degree???