Last week I visited my alma mater for the first time in ten years to watch my niece graduate.  For those few hours it was as if I’d fallen into the Twilight Zone and was teleported back to 1999 when it was my class spraying silly string and setting off fire crackers.  The gym seemed to be a lot smaller than I remembered it and new pictures hung on the walls, but overall, the experience was exactly the same.

As I watched my niece walk the stage and accept her diploma, I realized that I didn’t really miss high school or even the people in it.  What I did miss was the girl that I was then, untainted by reality, full of hope, taking on the world at full steam, knowing nothing but invincibility and courage.  I was naïve and reckless, but I was free to take my life in any direction I wanted to go.

For a moment I mourned the loss of that spunky girl with the spiky, bleached blonde hair and tie-dyed tank tops.  Not that she would’ve listened, but I intensely wished that I could go back in time and tell her some important details about the road ahead.

1. Don’t take a year off before you go to college.  You won’t believe how long that year will last.
2. Stay away from boys named after motorcycles.  They are nothing but trouble.  Actually, just stay away from boys in general; your taste really sucks.
3. Smoking pot on federal property is a FELONY.  Just FYI.
4. Don’t eat or drink anything homemade in New Orleans.  In fact, try to avoid New Orleans all together.
5. Your mother isn’t nearly as stupid as you think she is.
6. Just say NO to Pizza Hut.
7. Save more money than you waste, but always be sure to waste a little.
8. Honor your family.  Friends will come and go, but your family is forever.
9. Take care of your heart.  It’s the only one you get.
10. Love the people around you well and never be afraid to say how you feel.

Life is nothing but a journey full of crossroads.  There are no wrong turns – only different destinations.

It has been 10 years since I have darkened the door of a classroom so I am required by the great university system of Tennessee to take a placement exam. They gave me a practice test today which I snubbed my nose at. How hard can it be?

School always came easily for me. My last two years of high school are a hazy blur. I dropped out halfway through my senior year and took the SAT’s stoned out of my gourd. Still, I managed to graduate with North Carolina State honors and a 3 point something GPA. I assumed that finally going back to school was going to be as easy as it used to be.

Huh huh huh… I opened the practice test.

Algebra, Geometry, Trig and Calculus… OMG.

Actual problem on this test:

You can’t even Google that. Believe me, I tried.

I spent two hours ATTEMPTING the math portion. Don’t ask how I scored. At least I aced the English part in ten minutes flat.

When I finally gave up for the night, I texted my buddy Chuck. “I need a drink and a Math for Dunbasses book.”

Chuck’s response was, “and a Spelling for Dunbasses book” along with a picture of the beer in his hand. I gave him the “invisi-bird”.

Wish me luck folks! I’m sure I’ll be in college prep math for the next three years, but at least I’m heading in the right direction. I wish someone would explain to me, because apparently I’M STUPID, why on earth do I need trigonometry with an English/Lit degree???