Tag archives: death

End of The World Resolutions

04Jan10

The Bible told us.  Nostradamus told us.  The Mayans told us.  John Cusack told us.  The end of the world is coming.  We’re all going to die.  

It’s Armageddon Week on The History Channel and I’ve been glued to the tube for four hours now contemplating the tragic and violent end of life here on Earth.  Is our great planet going to be sucked into the black hole that is looming in the center of The Milky Way?  Will our bodies rot from the inside out with plague and disease?  Will we blow each other to kingdom come through warfare and genocide? 

Y2K and June 6th, 2006 have come and gone and we’re still circling around the sun, so 2012 has become the new “In” date for the apocalypse.   And since Obama is certainly the Antichrist, the days of life as we know it must be drawing to close.  Buckle up folks; the four horsemen are on their way… and I don’t mean Jose, Jack, Jim and Johnny Walker. 

All joking aside, what if 2012 is the end of the world?  Hell, what if Friday is the end of the world?  What will you have left undone? Unsaid? Unfinished?  Will you have loved those you love well?  Will you have lived the one life you have the way you dreamed you would?

What are you waiting for?

I haven’t yet made any resolutions for this year aside from the staples “Lose five pounds” and “Get something published.”  So, I think I will resolve to live 2010 like 2012 is the end of the world.  You know… Just in case.

“No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”- Matthew 24:36

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You Think Death is Entertainment?

24Sep09

I apologize that my blood has been set on boil this week.  I’m aware that this is the second rant I’ve posted in two days, but the condition of our society – maybe even the human race in general – is growing increasingly appalling.

This morning on our ride to school I heard the story of the Halloween Haunt attraction at King’s Island.  If you’re out of the loop, as I usually am, the park is using celebrity deaths as part of their Halloween theme this year.  For example, the scenes depicted are that of Steve McNair’s murder/suicide, Michael Jackson’s overdose, Heath Ledger surrounded by pill bottles and Sonny Bonny on skis slammed into a tree.

mcnair  farrah

What is wrong with the world today that such incredible tragedies are being viewed as entertainment?  Are we so desensitized here in America that this is acceptable?

I heard a defense today that “everyone deals with death in their own way… some deal with it by using humor.”  Sure, that is absolutely true, but we’re not talking about using humor to cope with the tragedy of death.  We are talking about an amusement park using the loss of life as a gimmick to make a dime.  Do they really have no decency???

Why stop here?

I have an idea!  Let’s dress up some skeletons and have them jumping off of the ledges of the Twin Towers and chuckle over 911!  Let’s chop up a skeleton and dangle it out of a car’s trunk and call it Caylee Marie Anthony!  Maybe even put a skeleton in the cargo compartment of a minivan that has a tree through the windshield and laugh over the death of my children’s daddy… that’d sell a lot of tickets!

King’s Island will never see a penny out of my pocketbook even though I received this response in reply to the hateful letter I sent them this morning:

Dear eL.,

We at Kings Island value your feedback.  Kings Island has removed the celebrity scene from its Halloween Haunt event.  We were not intending to be distasteful, and we apologize if we offended anyone. 

Sincerely,
Don Helbig
Public Relations Area Manager
Kings Island

As my friend Ginger so elloquently put it today… “Get a damn heart again, people.”

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Best Friends Forever

25Aug09

meg3“Friends are the family you make for yourself.” – Unknown

If Megan had been born a man, my boyfriend would be in big trouble.  In fact, if we were lesbians, I’d have it made.  She has helped me be my best, been a victim of my worst and still calls me her best friend.

Everyone should have a Megan. 

While moving some boxes around, Megan discovered a stash of notes we’d passed back and forth in high school.  We sat up giggling until 3AM Saturday morning reading how ridiculous we were.  We laughed, we cried, we cringed and we laughed some more.  Our trip down memory lane proved that a few things are certain: I did NOT have life figured out like I thought I did.  My parents really were smarter than me.  I am glad I am no longer 14.  Megan and I really are best friends FOREVER.

Like most girls, during my school days I had numerous BFF’s.  It wasn’t until I became an adult that I really understood what true friendship was.  Real best friends do not come and go with semester changes and they often stick around even when you don’t want them to.  They will help clean up your love life as well as your vomit.  Best friends have not only seen you naked, but have possibly seen you push another human being out of your hoo-ha.  The title should not be handed out lightly. 

meg2

Yesterday, my mom lost her “Megan.”  Her name was Joyce and she was my mother’s very best friend.  A car accident suddenly claimed her life and the person my mom has exchanged her life story with was gone.  It has been a blow to our whole family. 

As I lay in bed with my sweet Mama last night, I thought about how fortunate we are to be able to reach beyond the boundaries of family and truly be loved by others we encounter.  This life is too short.  Best friends are few and far between.  Mom said to me, “Best friends don’t come along often.  We’re lucky to get one.”

I’m lucky enough to get two.  Brenda, the other woman in this world subjected to my madness gave me a picture for Christmas that says, “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and loves you just as you are today.”

bffs

I am reminded to not take these precious souls for granted.  We may not share the same bloodline, but are sisters none the less.

Go rest high on that mountain, Joyce.  You will be missed.

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Limited Sight Distance

08Mar09

Today has been a rough day. Actually, if I were really honest, I’d admit that the past few days have just been sucky, both professionally and personally. After a long meeting this afternoon I decided to take a break. Normally, I like to break up my work afternoon with a personal phone call but since my phone wasn’t ringing and I’m sure as hell not dialing out I decided to take a drive through the neighborhood to clear my head.

I follow the same path in the afternoons. I hang a right out of the parking lot and circle around through the maze of houses behind my office. It’s an odd mix of social landscape back there. One minute you’re rolling by nice $300,000 homes with manicured yards and froo-froo animals and the next you’re locking your car doors in front of duplexes and quad units stuffed with more bodies than the bedrooms can accommodate. It’s a little sobering.

At the end of the journey there is a sign that says “Limited Sight Distance” at the crest of a hill just before the world drops off on the other side. I thought about stealing the sign today to hang in my living room or maybe my bedroom, both locations seem metaphorically appropriate.

I like to be the girl with the plan. Oddly enough I find myself flying by the seat of my MEK jeans more often than not. This season of life is no different. I was once happily married. We went to work, came home and I cooked dinner that we would all share as a family before watching a movie, bath time and eventually tucking the kids into bed. We had so many plans: working our way out of debt, buying a bigger house in a good school zone with a yard for the kids to play in, moving to the mountains and someday buying an RV and a boat. Life was simple and pleasant.

But our sight distance was limited.

My daughter starts kindergarten in the fall this year in a wonderful school zone. She no longer has to share a bedroom with her brother and they both spend warm afternoons playing in the backyard with the dogs. Their dad is no longer here for dinner or for bath and bedtime and despite the difficulties of the last few months he was alive, we miss him.

Now I’m making new plans. They seem to change daily. Hell, sometimes they seem to change every hour, but I plan anyway. Now I keep in mind that the world might just drop off on the other side of the hill.

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What If Today Was the Last Day of Your Life?

08Oct08

My life is silent in a chaotic sort of way these days. The past ten months have been an excruciating mix of painful and pleasant experiences that have left me in a cloud, incoherently gliding through life. I’ve let my actions determine my decisions rather than moving myself toward a chosen goal. I guess I can’t beat myself up too much for my passiveness, I mean it’s been a pretty effed up year and there’s been a lot to keep me preoccupied.

About three weeks ago the cloud began to lift. My tears dried up allowing me to see clearly and I looked around at my life and began to wonder, “What am I doing?”

There is a lot going right in my world. My kids are healthy and happy, there is food on the table and a pair of seriously cute jeans in my closet. I just can’t shake the feeling that something is seriously missing.

I see myself standing in a dark and empty room. It’s MY room, the room where I’m supposed to be happy, safe and secure but all it feels like is a holding cell, a triage of an emotional hospital. In front of me are countless doors. I can walk through any door that I choose and finally make a change that will start a ripple effect for the rest of my days. I am being suffocated by fear. Fear of choosing the wrong door, fear of causing damage to those on the journey with me but mostly terrified by the thought of staying in that room.

There are faint voices all around me, the majority of them coming from myself. “You’re a single mother; you’re going to screw up your kids. You can’t do it all alone. You’re crazy for wanting to make a major change with the economy so bad. You’re so ungrateful. You’re not good enough to live your dream. You’ll never make it. You’re going to fail…”

I’ve checked off the major life headlines (as Tiffany calls them, see her blog I’ve Got A Fever). I’ve done the marriage thing, bought some real estate, had a couple of babies (one of each gender) and held onto a good job for nearly a decade. Now as I look forward from my 27 year perch I wonder, “Is this all there is?”

Of course I have my children to look forward to and I don’t want to seem ungrateful for them. They are growing up and changing so fast and they are the biggest joy in my life. But for me, is this it? Is THIS what I wanted to be when I grew up?

A wise man once said, “If you set a five year goal for yourself and never start moving toward it, in five years you’re still going to have the same goal but you’ll be no closer to reaching it.”

Today I’m not exactly sure what I want that goal to be, but I do have a dream and I have a feeling that dream is on the other side of one of those doors.

One thing I’ve learned the hard way this year is that life is too short to wait. What if this bleak and rainy Wednesday was the last day of my life?

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This is the way…

26Jun08

Yes, I know I’ve been pretty quiet lately. I’ve refused to blog because I’ve refused to write anything that would just depress the hell out of everyone. Let’s face it; my life hasn’t been a big ball o’ sunshine the past couple of weeks. However, I feel as though I am making a turn and that the road ahead is looking up. So, tonight I’m back on the blog front.

I still haven’t made much sense out of the recent events of my life and I’m coming to grips with the fact that Robert’s death will never make any sense – at least not in this lifetime. The only comfort that I have found is being able to look back over the past year and clearly see that even though we were all blind sighted by this tragedy, God wasn’t. He knew that Robert’s time with us was coming to a close and He had begun preparing us all for it long ago.

When my good friend Eric died suddenly in a car accident last February Robert and I really began to consider life insurance. Up until that point, we only had a small $20,000 policy and naively believed that this was more than sufficient. Well, guess what folks? The funeral and burial alone was $16,000. Yes, I know I’m over sharing some personal info here, but I truly believe it is important. PLEASE listen to me. If you don’t have life insurance, especially if you have kids, DO NOT WAIT another day to get yourself covered. Even though I’m not (by any means) sitting on a pile of money as a rich widow, I can’t imagine having to worry about getting food on the table for my kids while dealing with all of the ups and downs that his death has brought. Hopefully you will never need to use it, but trust me, life insurance is one of the most important, selfless and beneficial things you buy for your family.

The most comforting thing that I can see in hindsight is Robert’s growing relationship with a God who knew that Robert would be in His presence soon. Our dear friend Brenda wrote this in a memorial to Robert days after he was gone and I want to share it with you.

“These last few months were especially challenging for Robert personally and as a result he had begun to desperately depend and recognize God in a new way. Robert was a man that God demonstrated his unfailing love to until the final moment He called him home. I believe God was working with Robert these last few months and I believe that Robert began to personally know a loving God. I believe Robert is with Jesus and for the first time Robert is embracing the abiding comfort of a merciful and faithful God who was faithful to complete what He had started in him.”

I’m not a preachy kinda girl. I don’t get on a religious soapbox very often but Brenda is right. Robert accepted Christ into his life when he was 15. So it is not cliché when I say and believe that Robert is in a better place. I KNOW he is. Was he perfect? Nope. And he’d be the first to admit it. But thankfully we don’t have to be perfect, we just have to have faith in the One that makes us perfect in His time. Because of this, my kids can go to bed every night and think of their Daddy in heaven with Jesus and it helps them rest. Oh to have childlike faith again…

I was reminded of a great scripture tonight. It comes from Isaiah 30. It says, Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” I am reminded that even when I’m lost in confusion and my body is racked with exhaustion from the journey there is someone behind me that clearly sees the path and all of the obstacles and pitfalls along it. He doesn’t choose the car accident, but He sees it ahead and directs my path through it.

OK…. so it was only mildly depressing. ;-)

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Why Am I Left Behind?

15Jun08

I’ve been on hiatus from writing for the past few weeks as I’ve been walking through the most difficult season of my life to date. Most of you probably know that my husband was killed in a car accident on May 31st. It was dreadfully unexpected as most accidents are and I have been left here in the wake of the aftermath trying to make sense of it all. The days pass quickly and are filled with emotion and tears. Yes, I said tears… who knew that the Scorpion Crusher could cry after all?

The few months before Robert was taken from this life have not been easy to say the least. I haven’t blogged about it because some things in life just shouldn’t be laid out for all of cyberspace to read. We separated in February and were going through what was turning into a very painful divorce for both of us. Over the past 13 days I’ve dealt with more emotion than I thought was humanly possible. Hermione Granger (for all you Harry Potter fans) once accused her friend Ron of having the emotional range of a teaspoon when he said to her “someone can’t possibly feel all of those things at once, they’d explode!” Well, guess what Ron? You can feel a thousand different things at once and not explode even though you might want to.

The biggest thing I’ve dealt with is guilt. I keep questioning that maybe if I’d done things differently he would still be with us. I’ve laid awake many nights wondering, “Maybe this really is all my fault.” In these dark times I’m fortunate to have good people around me and the smiling faces of my two children to pull me through.

My sister sent me an email this morning to encourage me after a long conversation on the phone last night. It was a verse from the Psalms. “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16b

God knew of Robert’s accident long before we ever separated. His days were numbered and held securely in the hand of the Father before Robert was ever even born.

I don’t have an answer as to why all of this has happened. I may never know. I am however certain that God knows and that He has a plan for me and the kids. Last year I lost a couple of very dear friends and at their funeral someone said, “I don’t ask God why He took them, but I ask Him why He left me behind.”

One thing I’ve learned is that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Live life today and love those around you as if it’s the last day you’ll ever spend with them. Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support! I could not do this without you!

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