Tag archives: fears

Irrational Crickets

**I pulled this one out of the vault for my friend Valerie… it’s an oldie, but a goodie and one of my favorites. ENJOY!**

A couple of weeks ago I was playing with the kids in the backyard at our new house. OK, I was lying in the grass while they ran circles around me, but whatever, I was still being an interactive parent with my children. Will, my two year old, began screaming like his leg had just been severed completely off. I shot up, thinking the worst, to realize that my brave big boy was running for his life…. from a butterfly.

When I got my hysterical laughter under control, I saved my son from his attacker. I rocked him in my arms until the offending butterfly was out of sight.

I remember when I was a kid I was terrified of the bathtub drain. I thought about that today while giving Canaan a bath at my parent’s house where I grew up. As a five year old, I was certain that if I was still in the tub when the drain was opened I was a goner. The swirling of the water would trigger so much anxiety in my small heart that I once fell out on the tile floor sloshing water all over the bathroom. It never even occurred to me how ridiculous this was until this afternoon. The drain didn’t bother Canaan at all. J

As an adult I still have some stupid fears. My therapist would probably argue that no fears are stupid, but I’ll tell you and you can judge for yourself. Crickets. I have a morbid fear of crickets. See, I told you it was stupid. My fear of crickets wasn’t fully realized until this past summer when I went fishing with some friends at the lake. I had never fished using crickets as bait; I’ve only used NORMAL things like worms and corn. I actually asked the captain of the boat, “You’re kidding right? They’re still jumping.” He looked at me as though I must be kidding and replied, “I thought you’d been fishing before?”

What kind of fishing cult was this? They seriously expected me to spear this live creature of God “ass to mouth” (as they told me). The spearing wasn’t the part that actually bothered me. I didn’t even make it that far. After eyeballing the basket-o-bugs for a solid five minutes, my friend Valerie leaned over and asked, “Do you want me to bait your hook for you?”

Valerie is outdoors woman extraordinaire and I refused to look like puss. “I can do it,” I assured her. The crickets and their creepy little legs and antennas were hopping around and laughing at me and my obviously elevated heart rate.

Valerie leaned back in her seat, her smile growing with every second that passed. A couple of more minutes went by. I was honestly trying but couldn’t force myself to reach into the bug lair. “What if I just pick it out and you can take it from me?” she suggested.

I nodded and she retrieved a cricked from the basket. She held it out for me to take. I took a deep breath, several actually and reached forward. I withdrew my hand like I’d touched an electrical socket and Val doubled over in laughter. More deep breathing. I closed my eyes and tried again. I literally thought that my heart was going to burst through my chest as my fingertips closed around the wiggly, creepy, icky, tickly body and legs… ugh the legs.

“I can do this,” I kept repeating as I tried to put the bug on the end of my hook, with my eyes closed, mind you.

Just then someone snuck up behind me, grabbed my sides and screamed “Ahhh!!!!” in my ear.

I think I wet my pants a little.

The cricket went flying through the air on one direction and the fishing pole went in the other. The scream that was emitted from my lungs was later compared to a shrieking eagle by another fisherman nearby who came to our boat to assist in whatever certain crisis that had just taken place. My assailant had been Mike, the boat captain. It was his fishing pole that is now resting at the bottom of Dale Hollow. Serves him right.

I have no reason under the sun to be that terrified of a cricket. Logically, I know that they are probably the most harmless creature on the planet and beyond. They just creep me out. Their icky bendy legs and swirling antennas and their freaking unpredictability as they hop about. I unashamedly hate them no matter how irrational it makes me seem.

I guess I can’t be too hard on my son over the butterfly. He gets it from his mom.

What are your irrational fears?

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Madness at 12,000 Feet!

Recently a group of my friends and I went to Gatlinburg to celebrate a friend’s birthday. It has been his lifelong dream to skydive and being the people-pleasing (LOL) gal that I am I decided to make that dream come true for him.

Originally there were 5 of us that were going to make the 12,000 foot jump but as the big day approached, one by one our friends backed out. I guess I can’t blame them. I probably would’ve chickened out too if I had allowed myself to dwell on the fact that I’d just paid the deposit to hurl my body 12,000 feet to the ground in a 120 mph freefall. I chose to not think about

Saturday morning we drove toward Bristol, TN following detailed directions that included phrases like “Fish Hatchery” and “Past the old barn with the cornfield”. For some reason, I was under the impression that we were going to an airport… silly eL. We actually drove past the drop zone the first time because I refused to accept the fact that we really might have just passed a runway that was cut through the middle of the wheat field.

After turning the car around and questioning my judgment and sanity for the five minute ride back we arrived at the site. We parked next to a porta-potty and were greeted by “Bobby” our flight instructor. Bobby handed us our liability waivers that we had to initial next to sentences like “In case of death or dismemberment…” All I could think about was, “OMG, I don’t have health insurance” and “Did I remember to tell my sister that my life insurance papers and my Will are in my office?”

 

During my time of high anxiety Bobby looked at me and said, “Thinking this might have been a bad idea?”

Geez. You think?

We had a five minute class behind the plywood covered platform that served as the office, gear prep area, and lobby. We learned valuable flight terms such as “Aoogah!” and “Fabulous!” and why it is important to kick your tandem partner in the butt with your feet during freefall.

The next lesson I learned in Skydiving 101: You’re not doing it right if you don’t look ridiculous.

Not a word.


 

Enough said.

Finally I kissed my children goodbye, told my friend he’d BETTER love me for doing this and Bobby and I went up in the plane. It was a long ride and every moment of it was breathtaking. We were over the Smoky Mountains which ironically were VERY smoky that day due to forest fires. (As if jumping out of a plane isn’t enough, let’s do it over a burning landscape!) The plane began getting lost in the clouds and as the ground started looking more like a patchwork quilt than terrain I asked Bobby, “So how high are we?”

He checked his gauge. “Just over 3,000 feet.”

Oh hell.

Our test jumper climbed out of the plane at about 5,000 feet. It was his job to test the wind to see where we should jump so we could land at the right place. Our test jumper was and eighty year old man. That alone was worth the day. He was my hero.

About seven minutes later Bobby nudged me. “This is it.”

I swallowed hard and scooted to the front of the plane. The door swooshed open and the howling wind deafened me. I put one foot out on the wing and clung to the other side for dear life. I was strapped to Bobby so I knew as I dangled out of the side of the plane I had no choice but to go when he went. There was no turning back. We were so high it felt like we were jumping out of a space shuttle rather than a plane, but before I had a chance to get too freaked out we were plummeting to the earth below.

About three seconds into freefall your stomach catches up with the rest of your body and you no longer feel like you are falling. It really is like flying… in a downward direction of course. You can’t see very much during freefall or breathe for that matter with the wind rushing in your face, but it’s one of the coolest feelings I’ve ever had.

When the parachute deployed and we were jerked to a stop. I relaxed. It’s always a good sign with the chute goes up. Spare any homicidal birds or floating embers from the fire we were out of harms way.

The view was unreal. The fires were still burning, but off at a safe distance and the horizon was spectacular. It amazed me how there could actually be people in the world that didn’t believe in a Creator . There is no way I could imagine that what I saw from 12,000 feet was just there by chance.

With Bobby strapped to my back and the harness straps cutting off the blood flow to my legs we continued our descent to the ground. Thankfully when we reached the Earth, I was there to break Bobby’s fall. I laid there for a moment taking in all of what I’d just experienced until our camera guy offered me his hand and said, “You can get up now, ya know?”

Canaan and Will were running toward me and my friends were furiously waving from the other side of the field.

So I add the experience to a long list of adjectives for myself. I am a mom, a computer nerd, a skydiver and now officially… a badass.

LOL.

Thanks to our new friends at Skydive Smoky Mountains!
www.skydivesmokymountains.com

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