“Friends are the family you make for yourself.” – Unknown

If Megan had been born a man, my boyfriend would be in big trouble.  In fact, if we were lesbians, I’d have it made.  She has helped me be my best, been a victim of my worst and still calls me her best friend.

Everyone should have a Megan. 

While moving some boxes around, Megan discovered a stash of notes we’d passed back and forth in high school.  We sat up giggling until 3AM Saturday morning reading how ridiculous we were.  We laughed, we cried, we cringed and we laughed some more.  Our trip down memory lane proved that a few things are certain: I did NOT have life figured out like I thought I did.  My parents really were smarter than me.  I am glad I am no longer 14.  Megan and I really are best friends FOREVER.

Like most girls, during my school days I had numerous BFF’s.  It wasn’t until I became an adult that I really understood what true friendship was.  Real best friends do not come and go with semester changes and they often stick around even when you don’t want them to.  They will help clean up your love life as well as your vomit.  Best friends have not only seen you naked, but have possibly seen you push another human being out of your hoo-ha.  The title should not be handed out lightly. 

Yesterday, my mom lost her “Megan.”  Her name was Joyce and she was my mother’s very best friend.  A car accident suddenly claimed her life and the person my mom has exchanged her life story with was gone.  It has been a blow to our whole family. 

As I lay in bed with my sweet Mama last night, I thought about how fortunate we are to be able to reach beyond the boundaries of family and truly be loved by others we encounter.  This life is too short.  Best friends are few and far between.  Mom said to me, “Best friends don’t come along often.  We’re lucky to get one.”

I’m lucky enough to get two.  Brenda, the other woman in this world subjected to my madness gave me a picture for Christmas that says, “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and loves you just as you are today.”

I am reminded to not take these precious souls for granted.  We may not share the same bloodline, but are sisters none the less.

Go rest high on that mountain, Joyce.  You will be missed.

Last week I visited my alma mater for the first time in ten years to watch my niece graduate.  For those few hours it was as if I’d fallen into the Twilight Zone and was teleported back to 1999 when it was my class spraying silly string and setting off fire crackers.  The gym seemed to be a lot smaller than I remembered it and new pictures hung on the walls, but overall, the experience was exactly the same.

As I watched my niece walk the stage and accept her diploma, I realized that I didn’t really miss high school or even the people in it.  What I did miss was the girl that I was then, untainted by reality, full of hope, taking on the world at full steam, knowing nothing but invincibility and courage.  I was naïve and reckless, but I was free to take my life in any direction I wanted to go.

For a moment I mourned the loss of that spunky girl with the spiky, bleached blonde hair and tie-dyed tank tops.  Not that she would’ve listened, but I intensely wished that I could go back in time and tell her some important details about the road ahead.

1. Don’t take a year off before you go to college.  You won’t believe how long that year will last.
2. Stay away from boys named after motorcycles.  They are nothing but trouble.  Actually, just stay away from boys in general; your taste really sucks.
3. Smoking pot on federal property is a FELONY.  Just FYI.
4. Don’t eat or drink anything homemade in New Orleans.  In fact, try to avoid New Orleans all together.
5. Your mother isn’t nearly as stupid as you think she is.
6. Just say NO to Pizza Hut.
7. Save more money than you waste, but always be sure to waste a little.
8. Honor your family.  Friends will come and go, but your family is forever.
9. Take care of your heart.  It’s the only one you get.
10. Love the people around you well and never be afraid to say how you feel.

Life is nothing but a journey full of crossroads.  There are no wrong turns – only different destinations.

I follow the same path in the afternoons. I hang a right out of the parking lot and circle around through the maze of houses behind my office. It’s an odd mix of social landscape back there. One minute you’re rolling by nice $300,000 homes with manicured yards and froo-froo animals and the next you’re locking your car doors in front of duplexes and quad units stuffed with more bodies than the bedrooms can accommodate. It’s a little sobering.

At the end of the journey there is a sign that says “Limited Sight Distance” at the crest of a hill just before the world drops off on the other side. I thought about stealing the sign today to hang in my living room or maybe my bedroom, both locations seem metaphorically appropriate.

I like to be the girl with the plan. Oddly enough I find myself flying by the seat of my MEK jeans more often than not. This season of life is no different. I was once happily married. We went to work, came home and I cooked dinner that we would all share as a family before watching a movie, bath time and eventually tucking the kids into bed. We had so many plans: working our way out of debt, buying a bigger house in a good school zone with a yard for the kids to play in, moving to the mountains and someday buying an RV and a boat. Life was simple and pleasant.

But our sight distance was limited.

My daughter starts kindergarten in the fall this year in a wonderful school zone. She no longer has to share a bedroom with her brother and they both spend warm afternoons playing in the backyard with the dogs. Their dad is no longer here for dinner or for bath and bedtime and despite the difficulties of the last few months he was alive, we miss him.

Now I’m making new plans. They seem to change daily. Hell, sometimes they seem to change every hour, but I plan anyway. Now I keep in mind that the world might just drop off on the other side of the hill.

My greatest fear, even above crickets (and we all know how much I hate those suckers) is the “Almost” factor that has plagued me my whole life. I wonder if anyone in cyberland can relate…

In 27 years, I’ve lived a LOT. If you want to know more, go read my Collection of Useless Crap blog. While I’ve had more experiences than most women my age I feel like somewhere along the journey I’ve missed my boat. I do not write today to beg your sympathies and your praise. I don’t need a pat on the back or to have my ego stroked. I’m just hoping I’m not alone.

Have you ever felt like you’ve almost been really good at something you love, but just not quite good enough? Being that I’m in an unsettled place in my life not really knowing what next year is going to look like for me and my humble little family, I’m contemplating this more and more each day. It’s starting to bum me out a little.

Now I’m going to whine…

I’m almost a good mom.
I can almost design cool websites.
I’m almost a good singer.
I can almost play the piano.
I’m almost a good cook.
I’m almost a respectable Christian.
I’m almost a pretty great daughter, sister, aunt and friend.
I was almost a trophy wife.
I’m almost a great girlfriend.
I’m almost a badass.
I’m almost a writer.

Sigh. Bitchfest over.

Is this a phase because I’ve landed in one of life’s great gray areas? Is there a metaphorical Ex-Lax that I can take to flush this Eeyore syndrome out of my life?

Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I need vodka. Maybe I need another vacation. J

I’m sitting here watching my son eat one grain of rice at a time.  Literally.  I knew this dinner was going to be a disaster before I ever even set the table.  My kids don’t like rice.  I love rice.  If meat doesn’t come breaded and fried in the shape of dinosaurs and can’t be dipped in ketchup, they don’t want it.  I made pot roast with vegetables and (dum, dum, dum) rice.  This is not going well.

I promised candy to whoever cleared their plate first.  Yeah, nutritionists, shut it.  As my son dangled an onion in front of his crossed eyes he said, “Mom, I don’t want candy anymore.  Can I be done now?”

Suffering through the meal wasn’t worth the candy.

He’s not off the hook that easy.  Since there are starving children in Somalia and hungry Ethiopian babies suffering tonight, my son is begrudgingly finishing his dinner and wondering aloud, “Mom, what’s an Efiopian?”

A few years ago, one of my closest friends landed what she thought would be her dream career.  The position that she had waited fifteen years for came with a company credit card, a fat paycheck and yearly bonus that equaled my salary.  After three grueling years of kissing up to music’s finest primadonnas and being shuffled all over the world to lay her white hankie over puddles for producers, record companies and publishers, she realized that the candy wasn’t worth the meal.  She was wasting what should be the best years of her life being downright miserable.  Thankfully she resigned before going postal at her office.

So many of us get caught up in making it week to week that we hardly realize how many days, weeks and months have been ticked off on life’s great calendar.  Sure, we all have goals that require sacrifices and we all certainly need to plan ahead.  However, to me it doesn’t make much sense to be so driven toward the goal that you’re watching life in the rearview mirror.  I mean, we’ve all seen so many people busting their butts to save for retirement that have now lost almost every dime in their 401Ks. There are no guarantees.

My husband had one dream for his retirement.  He told me, “Honey, I want to follow the NASCAR circuit in an RV for one full season.”

Thankfully, we didn’t scrimp and save every last penny to start now at saving for the RV and all those race passes.  We enjoyed the meal and saw every race that we absolutely could together.  They will be some of the best memories of my life.  Except that one Bristol race… and maybe Talladega, whoa I was hella sick.

You only live once; but if you live it right, once is enough. 
~Adam Marshall

So… are you enjoying the meal or just pushing toward dessert? 

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3 hours and 46 minutes to go.

Recently, I had to replace my digital camera. (I’m sure you’re surprised.) My friends and I were headed to Florida and that is the sort of adventure that requires photographic evidence. I was at the mall and after spending waaaay too much money in Buckle I stopped in at Wolfe Camera.

The sales guy turned on my effed-up Olympus and watched it go into it’s umm… self-sexing type behavior. The lens zoomed in and out like crazy and then the whole thing shut down in exhaustion. He looked at me with surprise. “What did you do to it?”

Eyeroll. “Don’t ask. Do you have anything similar so I can still use my battery and memory cards?”

He showed me a half a dozen other Olympus cameras and I fell in love with one. “I’ll take it,” I said as I happily reached for my debit card.

He searched and searched in his inventory. “Looks like I’ll have to order it. I can have it delivered to you tomorrow.”

Frowny face. L

Hmm. “I think I’ll just wait,” I said.

He looked shocked. “I can have it shipped overnight,” he explained.

I backed slowly away from the counter like he might be hiding a rattlesnake where I couldn’t see it. “Thanks anyway.” Buh-bye commission.

I didn’t need the camera in 24 hours; it was Tuesday and we weren’t flying out till Friday. There was no extra charge for having it shipped. There was no reason at all that I couldn’t wait, other than I’m JUST WEIRD LIKE THAT.

I didn’t buy a camera until Friday on my way to the airport.

Unfortunately, my weirdness doesn’t apply to just electronics. My “Instant Gratification Girl” syndrome isn’t prejudice. It applies to everyone and everything. Five years ago, I decided at 9am that I needed a new car, by Noon my beloved XTerra was in my driveway. When Robert and I decided we needed a bigger house, I picked one out the next day and closed on it three weeks later.

“The best things come to those who wait.”

Maybe. But I get to be happy faster. J

Please tell me I’m not alone!!! Hurry up and comment already! I’m getting impatient!

Oh… and 3 hours and 27 minutes to go. Tick, freakin’, tock.

Excuse me?

Granted, just by the sight of this poor girl, it is OBVIOUS that she has severe self-worth problems and for that reason alone did I shove my devil horns back down and tuck in my tail. Not surprisingly, her mouth isn’t the only one that has spouted off similar statements to me in the past couple of months. Even Messaging-Turrets guy told me I’d be better off to go find some divorcee who already has a couple of kids!

Let’s be clear about one thing before I go any further. I believe in the institution of the family, that husbands should love their wives, wives should love their husbands and together they should love and raise their children. By God’s great design this is the way it should be in a perfect world. However, if you think we are living in a perfect world I need to get on whatever meds you are taking. The fact is that bad things happen. Divorce happens. Death happens. Innocent children are often left with only one parent holding the responsibility for their upbringing and while it’s not FAIR, it’s reality. Since when has reality ever been fair?

Mom & Dad have been married for nearly 44 years!

Now that you understand how I feel about how life SHOULD be, I want it to be known that I refuse to “daddy shop” for my children. My husband was simply an irreplaceable father. He loved our children more than his career, more than his hobbies and much more than he loved himself. He left incredibly big shoes to fill. I believe that God saw it long before we all did that his time on earth with us would be cut short. I also believe that God prepared us accordingly. Both of my children have wonderful grandfathers and several very close male father-type figures in their lives and for that I am truly grateful.

I want to tread lightly on this subject because I do not want to come off as sounding judgmental. I know firsthand how difficult it is to be a single mom and how there are just days where you feel absolutely cheated because you don’t have their father to share the load with. If you don’t think I have those days, go read Free To A Good Home and get back to me. I often wonder what’s worse though: A kid with one fully devoted and loving parent or a kid with two parents that are too distracted by working on staying together to be able to give the child the attention it needs and deserves. Kinda sounds retarded when you put it like that, doesn’t it?

And what REALLY infuriates me is the mindset that some people have that single mothers are just going to have to settle for what they can get. BS

It will be a long time before I find myself committed again. I know how hard marriage is even when it’s good and I have no rush to go back to that anytime soon. I do know this; if I ever choose to be married again it will not be because I need a savior, a “baby daddy” or someone to take pity on this poor single mom. It will be because that man simply rocks my face off and I can’t imagine MY life without him. If I ever do find that man, it won’t matter that I have kids. The pieces will fall into place.

On a final note I do have to acknowledge some really admirable people out there. Being a step-parent or an adoptive-parent is an enormous responsibility and I have NOTHING BUT RESPECT for anyone that chooses to love someone else’s child as their own. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I love my kids and they are my own! LOL. (If you’re judging me right now, you don’t have kids.) If you are a step/adoptive parent reading this, I take my hat off to you. Thank you for being selfless enough to make a difference in a child’s life.

There’s an old saying “You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”  I’m not sure if that’s true or not in the literal sense, seeing as how I used vinegar once to trap a whole mess of fruit flies, but that is neither here nor there.  The little quip is often stated in reference to being kind to people rather than being a jerk to get them to like you or do what it is that you want them to do.  Seems like a “well duh” concept right?  However, I’m utterly astounded by how often this is not the way people behave.

I hate “venting” blogs, so I will NOT make this about spewing my frustration out on my readers, but I have had my share of vinegar lately and guess what folks?  The saying is CORRECT.

Let’s use the example of dinnertime in our home.  My son treats dinner like I treat breakfast; he just doesn’t have time for it.  There is too much playing and movie watching to do before bath and bedtime for him to be bothered with a family meal.  While I’m not an advocate for force-feeding non-hungry people, my son is actually hungry.  Like clockwork, moments after I’ve put all the food away and cleaned the dishes THEN he wants to eat.    

At the end of the day I usually have a pretty short fuse with my kids and I tend to get very loud and abrupt with them.  To get my boy to eat with the family, I’ve tried yelling, time out, restriction from TV and toys and putting him to bed without dinner.  My temper tantrums over it NEVER end well.  I always just wind up angry and frustrated over vegetables and poultry and that’s just stupid. 

Post-Halloween I’ve started a different approach. 

“Will, if you finish all of your green beans and chicken, Mommy will give you one piece of candy.”  It works (almost) every time. 

Before anyone gets up in arms over me rewarding eating healthy with eating junk… don’t miss the point of the narration:  I got what I wanted by sweetening the deal.

The moral of the story is… if you want me to like you, behave likeably.  If you want me to talk to you, don’t say things that make me want to throw my beloved cell phone into the street.  If you want me to think you are not crazy, stop acting like you are.

And if you can’t serve up some honey, don’t be surprised when I just buzz off.