Tag archives: single mom

Biting Your Toenails

10Jul09

willIsn’t life supposed to calm down after you retire?  I am now in week two of my “retirement” and if anything, I seem to have less time than when I was logging forty hours a week in my office.  How is that possible?  In the past fourteen days I have visited five states, caught up with umpteen family members, read a book, slacked off at the gym, watched about twenty movies, WORKED, and maintained a sparkling clean home.  OK… the last part is a bit of stretch, but at the moment it is sparkling clean!

I always used to think I’d go crazy being bored at home as a full time mom.  I realize now what a vacation my JOB really was!  I take my fictitious hat off to all you stay at home parents out there.  You certainly don’t get enough credit.

I have enjoyed the constant company of my kids far more than I could’ve ever imagined.  You really should just be jealous because I simply have the funniest, cutest and smartest children ever conceived.  They teach me so much about life and about the person I want to be.  The lessons learned through the experience of children are absolutely priceless.  There is no university that compares with parenthood.

Patience is a CHOICE.  It is far easier to laugh and get over it, than it is to get upset.

No one snuggles better than a three year old.

If you want to know honestly how you are doing life, ask a preschooler their opinion of you.

You know to pass up your Food Network dream when your kid opts for a spanking and early bedtime rather than eat.

You should always keep your toenails short, even if it means biting them.  You might trip over them if you don’t. 

I’m sure there will be many more lessons to come… stay tuned.  This could get interesting.

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Lights Will Guide You Home

07Jun09
There are 18 days, 7 hours, 41 minutes and 16 seconds until my last day at work. (Not that I’m counting or anything.) Most of you will remember that six months ago I handed in my resignation letter to my employer of ten years. My job has been good to me, paid me relatively well, and has seen me through some of the darkest days of my life.
Once upon a time, I thought that I would never leave the comforts of my office. Not because I felt trapped, but because I never saw any reason to. Then came the fateful day when I received the phone call that my husband would never reach home after a long night of work. It was a year ago, this past Sunday, for those of you who have been wondering why I have been MIA from the internet recently. He was 25 years old, married for three short years, and had two babies waiting for him to come home and take them swimming. Our daughter was four and our son was two. Robert’s life was just beginning when it came to an unfair and abrupt end.
That horrible accident has made me question everything about my life. What if one day I don’t make it home from work? Other than creating the two most amazing kids on the planet, have I done anything with my life that I’m really proud of? The answer was no.
For years I have wanted to go back to school, but there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to go to school, keep office hours, and be a single mom. So back in January, I handed in my resignation letter citing my last day as June 26th. Do you think they have yet to find my replacement? He, he, he. That’s beside the point. I haven’t had one moment of hesitation until the past couple of weeks. Now that the fateful day is drawing near my knees are beginning to shake a little. Am I really doing the right thing? Am I stupid? Am I just being selfish? What if something catastrophic happens? What if… I FAIL?
And high up above or down below…. When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know… Just what you’re worth
The shaky knees have passed. I know I’m making the right decision. After all, if I never try – I’ll never know. The Early Retirement Party is still on. If you live in Nashville and want an invite, put June 26th on your calendar and hit me up for the details.
This one’s for you sister… the Coldplay concert was FREAKING AMAZING.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQT_e_lHIrU&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1]

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What If Today Was the Last Day of Your Life?

08Oct08

My life is silent in a chaotic sort of way these days. The past ten months have been an excruciating mix of painful and pleasant experiences that have left me in a cloud, incoherently gliding through life. I’ve let my actions determine my decisions rather than moving myself toward a chosen goal. I guess I can’t beat myself up too much for my passiveness, I mean it’s been a pretty effed up year and there’s been a lot to keep me preoccupied.

About three weeks ago the cloud began to lift. My tears dried up allowing me to see clearly and I looked around at my life and began to wonder, “What am I doing?”

There is a lot going right in my world. My kids are healthy and happy, there is food on the table and a pair of seriously cute jeans in my closet. I just can’t shake the feeling that something is seriously missing.

I see myself standing in a dark and empty room. It’s MY room, the room where I’m supposed to be happy, safe and secure but all it feels like is a holding cell, a triage of an emotional hospital. In front of me are countless doors. I can walk through any door that I choose and finally make a change that will start a ripple effect for the rest of my days. I am being suffocated by fear. Fear of choosing the wrong door, fear of causing damage to those on the journey with me but mostly terrified by the thought of staying in that room.

There are faint voices all around me, the majority of them coming from myself. “You’re a single mother; you’re going to screw up your kids. You can’t do it all alone. You’re crazy for wanting to make a major change with the economy so bad. You’re so ungrateful. You’re not good enough to live your dream. You’ll never make it. You’re going to fail…”

I’ve checked off the major life headlines (as Tiffany calls them, see her blog I’ve Got A Fever). I’ve done the marriage thing, bought some real estate, had a couple of babies (one of each gender) and held onto a good job for nearly a decade. Now as I look forward from my 27 year perch I wonder, “Is this all there is?”

Of course I have my children to look forward to and I don’t want to seem ungrateful for them. They are growing up and changing so fast and they are the biggest joy in my life. But for me, is this it? Is THIS what I wanted to be when I grew up?

A wise man once said, “If you set a five year goal for yourself and never start moving toward it, in five years you’re still going to have the same goal but you’ll be no closer to reaching it.”

Today I’m not exactly sure what I want that goal to be, but I do have a dream and I have a feeling that dream is on the other side of one of those doors.

One thing I’ve learned the hard way this year is that life is too short to wait. What if this bleak and rainy Wednesday was the last day of my life?

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Why Am I Left Behind?

15Jun08

I’ve been on hiatus from writing for the past few weeks as I’ve been walking through the most difficult season of my life to date. Most of you probably know that my husband was killed in a car accident on May 31st. It was dreadfully unexpected as most accidents are and I have been left here in the wake of the aftermath trying to make sense of it all. The days pass quickly and are filled with emotion and tears. Yes, I said tears… who knew that the Scorpion Crusher could cry after all?

The few months before Robert was taken from this life have not been easy to say the least. I haven’t blogged about it because some things in life just shouldn’t be laid out for all of cyberspace to read. We separated in February and were going through what was turning into a very painful divorce for both of us. Over the past 13 days I’ve dealt with more emotion than I thought was humanly possible. Hermione Granger (for all you Harry Potter fans) once accused her friend Ron of having the emotional range of a teaspoon when he said to her “someone can’t possibly feel all of those things at once, they’d explode!” Well, guess what Ron? You can feel a thousand different things at once and not explode even though you might want to.

The biggest thing I’ve dealt with is guilt. I keep questioning that maybe if I’d done things differently he would still be with us. I’ve laid awake many nights wondering, “Maybe this really is all my fault.” In these dark times I’m fortunate to have good people around me and the smiling faces of my two children to pull me through.

My sister sent me an email this morning to encourage me after a long conversation on the phone last night. It was a verse from the Psalms. “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16b

God knew of Robert’s accident long before we ever separated. His days were numbered and held securely in the hand of the Father before Robert was ever even born.

I don’t have an answer as to why all of this has happened. I may never know. I am however certain that God knows and that He has a plan for me and the kids. Last year I lost a couple of very dear friends and at their funeral someone said, “I don’t ask God why He took them, but I ask Him why He left me behind.”

One thing I’ve learned is that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Live life today and love those around you as if it’s the last day you’ll ever spend with them. Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support! I could not do this without you!

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